Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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