How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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