Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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