im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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