dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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