You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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