found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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