it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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