I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
