Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
