I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize