one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
