I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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