We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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