dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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