over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize