my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
