It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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