i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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