onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
