all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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