Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
