sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
