Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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