I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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