He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
