I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
