I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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