just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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