just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
