i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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