Your mouth is God's brothel.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
