I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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