Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
