I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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