I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Randomize
