Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize