My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I want to be your penis for a week.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize