She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
