Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
