And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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