my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
