Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
How external is "for external use only"?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
