His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
