I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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