I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
