the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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