Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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