if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
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