Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
