Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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