Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
