i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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