My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
