I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
