between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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