yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
