lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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