last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
