...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
