Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
